New Motto: Don't Be a Jerk
Mark and I got a Christmas box from a relative who can’t be bothered to remember our last name. We’ve been married for 18+ years, and we both changed our name when we married. We combined the letters of both our last names into a new last name because we wanted to represent the blending of our lives in a more tangible way than just merging the linens and sharing the bills.
Return to Sender
I opened the mail that day and found the box addressed to Mark and Jennifer K**** (Mark’s former last name). And I almost crossed it out and wrote “return to sender, no one here by that name” shoving the box back at the mail carrier. But it’s not the mail carrier’s fault, so I took it in and fumed.
As you can tell by this post, this has had me fuming for about three weeks now. Then I read a blog about a little 5-year-old who’s classmates decided that it was okay to stand in a circle around her and call her an “it” because… well who knows why they thought that was okay.
“Instead of calling a human being an “it,” you can call them
“he or she”
“him or her”
“friend”
“they”
“sparkle face”
“love boat”
“person.”
Or, most importantly, whatever they want to be called (even if that’s not perhaps your first thought).”
Actions are What Counts
I posted an article on Facebook the other day that explained why I don’t worry (too much) about swearing in front of my child. The bottom line for me is that words can’t hurt you.
The only reply I got basically said that words can hurt you.
This reply bothered me because of who it was from rather than what it said. The person who said it to me is one of my oldest friends. She’s also one of the nicest, kindest people around, and she has two of the most amazing kids. I love her so much and want to be like her, but I really do believe that words can’t hurt you.
So I thought about her response for a while. Then when I read Janelle’s post about her child’s experiences with the word “it” at first I thought “wait, I’m wrong, words can hurt!” But I struggled with this, because while it was definitely true that Janelle’s love boat was hurt by her classmates, it wasn’t the words that hurt, but the actions surrounding the words. The use of those words.
In other words(!) the word “it” isn’t a bad word. It’s just a word. But when used by children to taunt, tease, and bully, it becomes something hurtful.
I am Absolutely, 100% Opposed to Being Hurtful
I am trying to teach my son how to avoid being mean or hurtful or a bully. I am trying to teach him to be a good person and to be kind and loving. But I’m not doing that by teaching him that some words, simply by virtue of their phonemes, are automatically bad and (possibly) others are automatically good. They are just words. It’s the actions of the person saying them that are mean or kind, loving or evil.
I’m Sorry If I’ve Been a Jerk… It’s Not the Words’ Fault
Believe me when I say that this post is not meant to say that I’m perfect. Hardly! You already know I swear in front of my kid. But I also make mistakes, yell at people who don’t deserve it, and say mean words that can hurt. I can be a jerk.
That said, I do try to respect others and their choice to avoid swearing in front of their kids. I really admire that. I do try as well, if only out of respect for them. But when I fail, and I do all the time, I’m not going to apologize for saying the f-word. I’ll apologize for being a jerk.
And if You’re Wondering, My Last Name is Still Kyrnin - Maybe Add That to Your Address Book Alongside My Address
Then I won’t be writing blog posts about you, because not calling me by the name I’ve chosen is you being a jerk. Just as much as the kids calling another kid “it.”